Emeryville Mayor Declares Moratorium on Alcohol Delivery, Video Streaming Services

Published On April 1, 2020 | By Rob Arias | Humor & Satire

2020 Emeryville Mayor Christian Patz has taken drastic steps to curb what he called “non-essential binge-watching.” At a Special City Council meeting, Patz argued to dramatically limit video streaming services within city limits.

“Our last meeting experienced persistent buffering and I suspect this is because too many people are at home watching Netflix and Disney +. We need to throttle the internet to just allow essential video streaming services like our council meetings.”

Also, responding to a reported 42% increase in alcohol consumption during the ongoing shelter-in-place order, Patz also ordered a halt to the delivery of alcohol. The law against alcohol delivery had been relaxed by the ABC to help restaurants hurt during this stay home order.

“In order to flatten the curve, we need to throttle non-essential internet.”
— Emeryville Mayor Christian Patz

Patz, who established a reputation for filing Brown Act complaints against his peers as member of the School Board, was asked during public comment if this might be a violation since this agenda item was not noticed. “These are unprecedented times that call for unprecedented measures,” Patz responded. “In order to flatten the curve, we need to throttle non-essential internet.”

City Attorney Michael Guina seemed caught off guard and could be seen feverishly typing on his laptop. “I’m not sure this is enforceable, but we’ll draft this up,” he added with smirk.

“This is not a staycation,” Patz angrily scolded. “Citizens need to stop drinking and binge-watching Tiger King. These are not essential services.”

The motion was seconded by Councilmember Ally Medina and passed unanimously. “Thank you for prioritizing this Mayor Patz,” offered Medina. “And thank you for not banning TikTok.”

About The Author

is a third generation Californian and East Bay native who moved to Emeryville in 2003. A new parent in the community, he can often be seen walking his French Bulldog rescue "Fiona" around his Park Avenue District neighborhood, traversing the greenway on his bike or enjoying his favorite Emeryville small businesses. Rob's "day job" is as a creative professional.

18 Responses to Emeryville Mayor Declares Moratorium on Alcohol Delivery, Video Streaming Services

  1. John says:

    Spent almost 5 mins looking for other sources! Damn you!! Forgot it was 4/1 lol

  2. JP says:

    This is really disrespectful to our local government leaders and given the current epidemic. Poor form.

    • Hear, Hear! says:

      Yeah Rob, we should not be criticizing our glorious president during this time and we should not be fake-criticizing the leader of this one-horse town. Stop having a sense of humor immediately!

    • Nun Ya says:

      Anyone who ever had a sense of humor must lose it immediately!!

    • Anonymous says:

      I had heard that covid-19 can take away your sense of taste. Apparently, your sense of humor too.

      (And as anyone who follows the City of Emeryville knows, we have no leaders and most certainly no respectable ones.)

  3. pamwiltravel says:

    April Fool’s, I hope!

  4. Dean Santner says:

    Assuming this is April fool’s nonsense, it is a pathetically lame attempt at humor during the current virus crisis. I expect better from the source I want to trust for local information. However, in the spirit of 4/1, please take this guy out and shoot him.

  5. Heather says:

    LOL! It’s actually pretty funny. Some people don’t understand humor or why people use it.

  6. Mimi says:

    I thought this was hysterical. Took me a second to remember it was April 1. You got me! A little levity during this time goes a long way! Thank you.

  7. Eville Annie says:

    You got me bro. Nicely done;) I actually thought for a second…

  8. Anonymous says:

    Omg. I was so angry. Good one. Lol. Needed that!

  9. Betty Tyler says:

    Thank you!🤣

  10. Anonymous says:

    If you really want to get peoples attention make them stop buying weed too.

  11. CG says:

    Totally believable in this era of uncertain and chaos. Lol

  12. Fran Quittel says:

    I’m sorry. I serve on the budget advisory committee and I just cant serve any more unless you deliver chocolate milk to committee meetings. Maybe oreos too. Instead of sales tax, maybe the city’s finance director will allow us tobsubstitute oreo/chocolate milk add even m&m’s for every zoom meeting we attend from home. We will even pay for biscuits for John Bauters dog.

  13. A says:

    I love you guys, but terrible, terrible decision to write this.

  14. Akshay says:

    You got me there. I shared it my friends too. Completely missed the april fool doh

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